This article hit a nerve. I grew up without my father, after my parents bitter separation. I felt abandoned by my father, I grew accustomed to begging for his time, attention and eventually emotional and monetary support. After repeated rejections and heartaches, I learned to steel myself and realise that he would always disappoint and that I would just have to deal with it and find a way to cope.
Fast forward, years later I am 23, college educated, bright, funny and doing well for myself by most standards except for my inability to maintain healthy adult relationships. I had always rejected the "daddy drama" explanation as the cause of my failed relationships. Mind you, I'm not saying it's the only reason for it, because I'm not perfect but little by little I realise that some of the interactions with them manifested themselves in ways that I see with him.
a) Not asking for what I want for fear of being rejected or denied.
b) Being pacified with broken promises and disappointments being smoothed over by "salient" excuses, that I accept in the heat of the moment, because I cannot come to grips with the fact that I was played or my feelings were hurt and someone would deliberately disregard/disrespet me in such a manner. Until later when the sex is over and I'm alone with my thoughts thinking, Wait, what? ...did I just accept that. To cope, I turn the rage on myself, why are you so niave? Why didn't you stand up for yourself and Say X,Y or Z. Why did you just smile and nod to make it better? I think to myself, I must be weak because I can't control them but I can control me. I'm a strong black woman, I have it together in so many ways so somehow this must be my fault, because the me I see in the mirror would never accept this. With each of these interactions I cry on the inside until I think I must be losing myself or losing my mind. I break free of the relationship only to end up at the same place, different starting places, but at the same point everytime.
I realise now that I need to fix the relationship I have with my father before the healing process can start, but I do not know where to begin.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The Battle is not yours.
I got to bed late last night and got up late this morning, I had a weird dream, about this guy I had a crush on, who was really Chris Brown in my dream but I was happy and giddy, that's all I remember. When I got up I was late but happy and compelled to write in my prayer journal for the first time in little over a month. I took that extra 20 minutes to pour out my thoughts, hopes and wishes and was on my way.
By midday, the first set of bad news struck, my grand opportunity that I raved about in the last post, that I was so excited about, the one thing I was just about to cross off my bucket list, has evaporated. With nary a warning, it's over just like that. I'm at a standstill. Peeved at myself for quitting my comfortable job with benefits, in the middle of a recession to take hold of my dream, only to have that put on pause. You cannot imagine how that feels. I'm completely thrown for a loop, my plans to move, everything is at a standstill. I was angry and a little upset, but I am not panicked, I have not felt the icy fingers of dread steal across my heart as normally happpens. I got the bare minimum of work completed today and existed on autopilot for the rest of the day. I came home tonight and sat on my bed tonight wondering what am I going to do? How am I going to figure this out? Who do I need to call to set things in motion again? How am I going to pay my bills after my 3 months of savings have run out? I. I. I.
Gently, almost fleetingly I heard that still small voice in my head saying ".The battle is not yours but God's " . (Second Chronicles 20;15)
Immediately I was comforted, I do not know what God has planned for my life, but I really need to start trusting, he has never steered me wrong yet.
The second set of bad news was my orthodontist's office calling to let me know that I was 3 months in arears because they had not received my payments although I see the money coming off my account. I really hope that's a glitch at the bank, I would hate to think that I owe the Orthodontist 3 months of payments, especially since that's the exact amount of money I have set aside to pay them for the next 3 months.
By midday, the first set of bad news struck, my grand opportunity that I raved about in the last post, that I was so excited about, the one thing I was just about to cross off my bucket list, has evaporated. With nary a warning, it's over just like that. I'm at a standstill. Peeved at myself for quitting my comfortable job with benefits, in the middle of a recession to take hold of my dream, only to have that put on pause. You cannot imagine how that feels. I'm completely thrown for a loop, my plans to move, everything is at a standstill. I was angry and a little upset, but I am not panicked, I have not felt the icy fingers of dread steal across my heart as normally happpens. I got the bare minimum of work completed today and existed on autopilot for the rest of the day. I came home tonight and sat on my bed tonight wondering what am I going to do? How am I going to figure this out? Who do I need to call to set things in motion again? How am I going to pay my bills after my 3 months of savings have run out? I. I. I.
Gently, almost fleetingly I heard that still small voice in my head saying ".The battle is not yours but God's " . (Second Chronicles 20;15)
Immediately I was comforted, I do not know what God has planned for my life, but I really need to start trusting, he has never steered me wrong yet.
The second set of bad news was my orthodontist's office calling to let me know that I was 3 months in arears because they had not received my payments although I see the money coming off my account. I really hope that's a glitch at the bank, I would hate to think that I owe the Orthodontist 3 months of payments, especially since that's the exact amount of money I have set aside to pay them for the next 3 months.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Pretty Wings
2010 is my year to soar. I'm ready to start living again, I will not complain about things I cannot fix and fix the things that I refuse to complain about. I just want to be happy, please myself and live my life. I made a list of thing that I was unhappy about and I resolve to change them one by one.
1. My job: March 12th is my last day in my current job. I was unfullfilled, stressed and unhappy, I quit my job and decided to take a 3 month hiatus to live life and pursue one of my lifelong dreams. Due to the nature of my undertaking I cannot blog about it but after it's over I will be willing to share. Its something I always wanted to do and when I'm finished it should open the door to a lot of personal development and employment opportunities. It calls for a lot of hard work, and a thick skin to shrug off negative criticism and keep striving. I know I can do it!
2. Healthy Living: I lived a fairly sedentary lifestyle, I would exercise from time to time, get tired and regress. I want to get fit and healthy and decided this year to formulate a plan and stick with it. For the next 3 months I will not eat fast food, stock up on fruits and veggies and drink lots of water everyday. I also started the Couch to 5 K plan as I have no money for gym and running is a free and effective way to get fit. I want to be able to run for half hr 3-4 times per week. Later on this year when I have a bit more disposable income, I will take up tennis as it is something I always wanted to do but didn't have time/money to pursue it.
3. Career Change: This is more of a long term goal for me. I always wanted to go to Law School and this year I decided to get off my laurels and apply before more time slipped away and I ended up with regrets. I have not gotten my acceptance letter yet but I have no doubt about my ability to get this done and I see myself starting the LLB by September 2011 the latest.
4. Relationships: I've had a string of bad relationships and I take full responsibility for my whole part in the nonsense, after all, I could have walked away at any point in the saga, but I chose to contribute and participate. While I see myself in committed relationship and eventually married someday, this year, I have decided to work on who I am, release my baggage and make myself happy. This year is all about me, the only relationship I'm willing to work on in 2010 is the one with myself. This year is all about personal development and I will get to know me and love me for who I am, no pretending and no regrets.
I am optimistic about what this year will bring for me, every day I wake up renewed and excited about what will unfold. I don't have a lot of money but for the first time in a long while I have peace of mind and that is priceless. It' s a rite of passage to find one's self, I believe I had to quit my job for this to happen, it may not be the right decision for another person but I believe in my heart that it is the right decision at the right time for me. I don't have any debt and the few bills I have are covered for the next 3 months. I believe that everything else will take care of themselves and that in itself is a blessing.
1. My job: March 12th is my last day in my current job. I was unfullfilled, stressed and unhappy, I quit my job and decided to take a 3 month hiatus to live life and pursue one of my lifelong dreams. Due to the nature of my undertaking I cannot blog about it but after it's over I will be willing to share. Its something I always wanted to do and when I'm finished it should open the door to a lot of personal development and employment opportunities. It calls for a lot of hard work, and a thick skin to shrug off negative criticism and keep striving. I know I can do it!
2. Healthy Living: I lived a fairly sedentary lifestyle, I would exercise from time to time, get tired and regress. I want to get fit and healthy and decided this year to formulate a plan and stick with it. For the next 3 months I will not eat fast food, stock up on fruits and veggies and drink lots of water everyday. I also started the Couch to 5 K plan as I have no money for gym and running is a free and effective way to get fit. I want to be able to run for half hr 3-4 times per week. Later on this year when I have a bit more disposable income, I will take up tennis as it is something I always wanted to do but didn't have time/money to pursue it.
3. Career Change: This is more of a long term goal for me. I always wanted to go to Law School and this year I decided to get off my laurels and apply before more time slipped away and I ended up with regrets. I have not gotten my acceptance letter yet but I have no doubt about my ability to get this done and I see myself starting the LLB by September 2011 the latest.
4. Relationships: I've had a string of bad relationships and I take full responsibility for my whole part in the nonsense, after all, I could have walked away at any point in the saga, but I chose to contribute and participate. While I see myself in committed relationship and eventually married someday, this year, I have decided to work on who I am, release my baggage and make myself happy. This year is all about me, the only relationship I'm willing to work on in 2010 is the one with myself. This year is all about personal development and I will get to know me and love me for who I am, no pretending and no regrets.
I am optimistic about what this year will bring for me, every day I wake up renewed and excited about what will unfold. I don't have a lot of money but for the first time in a long while I have peace of mind and that is priceless. It' s a rite of passage to find one's self, I believe I had to quit my job for this to happen, it may not be the right decision for another person but I believe in my heart that it is the right decision at the right time for me. I don't have any debt and the few bills I have are covered for the next 3 months. I believe that everything else will take care of themselves and that in itself is a blessing.
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