Daddy Issues

This article hit a nerve. I grew up without my father, after my parents bitter separation. I felt abandoned by my father, I grew accustomed to begging for his time, attention and eventually emotional and monetary support. After repeated rejections and heartaches, I learned to steel myself and realise that he would always disappoint and that I would just have to deal with it and find a way to cope.

Fast forward, years later I am 23, college educated, bright, funny and doing well for myself by most standards except for my inability to maintain healthy adult relationships. I had always rejected the "daddy drama" explanation as the cause of my failed relationships. Mind you, I'm not saying it's the only reason for it, because I'm not perfect but little by little I realise that some of the interactions with them manifested themselves in ways that I see with him.

a) Not asking for what I want for fear of being rejected or denied.

b) Being pacified with broken promises and disappointments being smoothed over by "salient" excuses, that I accept in the heat of the moment, because I cannot come to grips with the fact that I was played or my feelings were hurt and someone would deliberately disregard/disrespet me in such a manner. Until later when the sex is over and I'm alone with my thoughts thinking, Wait, what? ...did I just accept that. To cope, I turn the rage on myself, why are you so niave? Why didn't you stand up for yourself and Say X,Y or Z. Why did you just smile and nod to make it better? I think to myself, I must be weak because I can't control them but I can control me. I'm a strong black woman, I have it together in so many ways so somehow this must be my fault, because the me I see in the mirror would never accept this. With each of these interactions I cry on the inside until I think I must be losing myself or losing my mind. I break free of the relationship only to end up at the same place, different starting places, but at the same point everytime.

I realise now that I need to fix the relationship I have with my father before the healing process can start, but I do not know where to begin.